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Jerry Seinfeld
[edit]
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Robert A. Heinlein
[edit]
Don't ever become a pessimist... a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events.
Pablo Picasso
[edit]
When I was a child, my mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you will become a general. If you become a monk, then you will end up as Pope." Instead, I became a painter, and wound up as Picasso.
Rodney Dangerfield
[edit]
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
Jarger
[edit]
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
John Lehman
[edit]
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Jack Handy
[edit]
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Jack Handy
[edit]
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.
Jack Handy
[edit]
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Jack Handy
[edit]
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
[edit]
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Jack Handy
[edit]
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
Jack Handy
[edit]
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
George Bush
[edit]
I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress.
Henry Ford
[edit]
There isn't a person anywhere who isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can.
Francis Bacon
[edit]
This is the foundation of all. We are not to imagine or suppose, but to discover, what nature does or may be made to do.
Linus Torvalds
[edit]
Most good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program.
Terry Pratchett
[edit]
Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself.
Anonymous
[edit]
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Geoff Arbuthnot
[edit]
Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
Dave Edison
[edit]
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Rudyard Kipling
[edit]
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
Rita Mae Brown
[edit]
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Dave Barry
[edit]
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Sal Davino
[edit]
Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it.
Bob Newhart
[edit]
I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.
Robert Downey Jr.
[edit]
I loved it, it's such fun. I like that people are seeing it and then talking about it. Like when I took my son and his friends to see Napoleon Dynamite last year, we spent the next six weeks trying to explain it.
Paula Abdul
[edit]
Find fitness with fun dancing. It is fun and makes you forget about the dreaded exercise.
Bono
[edit]
As a rock star, I have two instincts, I want to have fun, and I want to change the world. I have a chance to do both.
Mike Myers
[edit]
Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.
Jeff Foxworthy
[edit]
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Vince Lombardi
[edit]
The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.
Muhammad Ali
[edit]
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
Wayne Gretzky
[edit]
You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.
Laurence J. Peter
[edit]
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
Burt Bacharach
[edit]
A synonym is a word you use whe you can't spell the word you first thought of.
Jay Leno
[edit]
The New England Jornal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Karl Joseph
[edit]
Even beauty may present a prism wearying to the eye
Allen Ginsberg
[edit]
Whoever controls the media—the images—controls the culture.
Agatha Christie
[edit]
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
Sigmund Freud
[edit]
The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.
Scottish proverb
[edit]
Insults should be well avenged or well endured.
Umberto Eco
[edit]
I've always said that I learned the English I know through two sources—Marvel Comics and Finnegans Wake
Dorothy Parker
[edit]
Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
Henry Kissinger
[edit]
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Russian proverb
[edit]
It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oats.
George Burns
[edit]
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Bob Wells
[edit]
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
Samuel Butler
[edit]
All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
Albert Einstein
[edit]
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Bob Edwards
[edit]
A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.
Will Rogers
[edit]
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
H.L. Mencken
[edit]
Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.
Elain Heffner
[edit]
The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children.
Henry Youngman
[edit]
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Albert Einstein
[edit]
God does not play dice with the universe.
Leo Buscaglia
[edit]
The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.
J.R.R. Tolkien
[edit]
Not all those who wander are lost
James Klass
[edit]
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Lao-Tsu
[edit]
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Gilbert Highet
[edit]
These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves.
G.K. Chesterton
[edit]
The true object of all human life is play.
Albert Einstein
[edit]
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Martin Luther King Jr.
[edit]
Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Henry David Thoreau
[edit]
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost. That is where they should be. Now build foundations under them.
'Weird Al' Yankovic
[edit]
I don't really look at myself as the kind of person who craves attention, but I've never been to therapy so there's probably a lot of stuff about myself that I don't know.
Thomas Carlyle
[edit]
Every noble work is at first impossible
Adam Baldwin
[edit]
A lot of people identify who they are by what they do and that's not me. It's what I do, but not who I am. Who I am is a parent. I'm a family man!
Adam West
[edit]
If you hang around long enough, they think you're good. It's either my tenacity or my stupidity, I'm not sure which.
Al Pacino
[edit]
An actor with too much money will usually find a way to get rid of it.
Adrien Brody
[edit]
I've never taken a role for money. I felt it would be wrong - not necessarily a career decision - just wrong.
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
[edit]
The only way you can influence your fate is to put your soul into your performance and hope it registers with the audience.
Dave Barry
[edit]
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Donald Trump
[edit]
I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's were the fun is.
Katharine Hepburn
[edit]
I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.
Bob Hope
[edit]
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Michael Jordan
[edit]
Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.
Thomas A. Edison
[edit]
I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun.
Mitch Hedberg
[edit]
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Saul Bellow
[edit]
She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.
Denzel Washington
[edit]
My role 14 years ago in Richard III - that was the first time I played a bad guy and learned a lot about it - they have all the fun!
Tiger Woods
[edit]
Don't force your kids into sports. I never was. To this day, my dad has never asked me to go play golf. I ask him. It's the child's desire to play that matters, not the parent's desire to have the child play. Fun. Keep it fun.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow. *pbpbbppbplbpblblpblpblp*
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
I was still born yesterday. I am still born today. And I hope to still be born tomorrow.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Went to the courthouse yesterday to get my birth certificate renewed. They said they don't do that. So what happens when it expires?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Gravity doesn't exist. The world sucks.
Sam Seaborn<br>(Rob Lowe)<br>(The West Wing)
[edit]
Good writers borrow from other writers. Great writers steal from them outright.
Heath Ledger
[edit]
I only do this because I'm having fun. The day I stop having fun, I'll just walk away.
Andy Rooney
[edit]
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andrew Jackson
[edit]
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.
P. J. O'Rourke
[edit]
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Woody Allen
[edit]
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Katharine Hepburn
[edit]
If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
Angelina Jolie
[edit]
I've realized that being happy is a choice. You never want to rub anybody the wrong way or not be fun to be around, but you have to be happy. When I get logical and I don't trust my instincts - Thats when I get in trouble.
Glenn Beck
[edit]
You can get rich making fun of me. I know. I've made lots of money making fun of me.
Walt Disney
[edit]
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
Angelina Jolie
[edit]
All women do have a different sense of sexuality, or sense of fun, or sense of like what's sexy or cool or tough.
Mark Twain
[edit]
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.
Anonymous
[edit]
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Fred Allen
[edit]
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Sir Winston Churchill
[edit]
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Anonymous
[edit]
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
Irish Prayer
[edit]
May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
Anonymous
[edit]
And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"
Jerry Seinfeld
[edit]
There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Woody Allen
[edit]
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
Torvald Gahlin
[edit]
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
Anonymous
[edit]
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
[edit]
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Anonymous
[edit]
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Hal Lee Luyah
[edit]
Man was predestined to have free will.
O'Toole's Commentary
[edit]
Murphy was an optimist.
Nicholas Chamfort
[edit]
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
George Ade
[edit]
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
William Castle
[edit]
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
Nigel Rees
[edit]
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
Elayne Boosler
[edit]
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Anonymous
[edit]
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
R.H. Grenier
[edit]
All generalizations are bad.
Tom Waits
[edit]
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch
[edit]
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Anonymous
[edit]
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
H.L. Mencken
[edit]
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
Fred Allen
[edit]
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Anonymous
[edit]
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Anonymous
[edit]
This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.
Anonymous
[edit]
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Socrates
[edit]
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
George Bush
[edit]
I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don't always agree with them.
Albert Einstein
[edit]
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Anonymous
[edit]
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
Emo Philips
[edit]
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Louis Hector Berlioz
[edit]
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Melanie Griffith
[edit]
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
Mark Twain
[edit]
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Homer Simpson<br>(Dan Castellaneta)<br>[The Simpsons]
[edit]
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Anonymous
[edit]
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Anonymous
[edit]
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Anonymous
[edit]
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Douglas Adams
[edit]
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Anonymous
[edit]
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Anonymous
[edit]
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Jerry Garcia
[edit]
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Anonymous
[edit]
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Anonymous
[edit]
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Henny Youngman
[edit]
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Mrs. White<br>(Madeline Kahn)<br>[Clue]
[edit]
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Anonymous
[edit]
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
A. Whitney Brown
[edit]
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Robert Bloch
[edit]
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Anonymous
[edit]
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Remember, shoot the man, not the horse. Dead horse is cover; live horse great pile of panic.
Wash<br>(Alan Tudyk)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Yes...yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it...This Land.
Dr. Simon Tam<br>(Sean Maher)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Come on out, River. The nice man wants to kidnap you.
Jayne<br>(Adam Baldwin)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
And if wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Use of a s-what?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
You know, they say mercy is the mark of a great man. [stabs the man] Guess I'm just a good man. [stabs him again] Well, I'm all right.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown.
Dr. Simon Tam<br>(Sean Maher)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
This is what going mad must feel like.
Wash<br>(Alan Tudyk)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero.
Jayne<br>(Adam Baldwin)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-heel 'verse. But you took that end, and you - well, you took it. And that's - Well, I guess that's somethin'.
Shepherd Book<br>(Ron Glass)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.
Wash<br>(Alan Tudyk)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
[being seduced by Saffron]
I wish I was somebody else right now, somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky.
Shepherd Book<br>(Ron Glass)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
[to Mal] If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Well, my days of not takin' ya seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
Wash<br>(Alan Tudyk)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Zoë<br>(Gina Torres)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
Jayne<br>(Adam Baldwin)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal, ... and then maybe, *maybe* we'll come back for those morons who got themselves caught. You can't change that by getting all ... bendy.
Robert Graves
[edit]
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Firefly]
[edit]
Well, they tell ya, 'Never hit a man with a closed fist.' But it is, on occasion, hilarious.
Douglas Adams
[edit]
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
Zoë<br>(Gina Torres)<br>[Serenity]
[edit]
Do you know what the definition of a hero is? Someone who gets other people killed. You can look it up later.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Serenity]
[edit]
Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Serenity]
[edit]
This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then ... explode.
Shepherd Book<br>(Ron Glass)<br>[Serenity]
[edit]
I don't care what you believe in, just believe in it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds<br>(Nathan Fillion)<br>[Serenity]
[edit]
Half of writing history is hiding the truth.
Mark Twain
[edit]
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
George Burns
[edit]
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Dr. Gregory House<br>(Hugh Laurie)<br>[House MD]
[edit]
You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.
Mr. Worf<br>(Michael Dorn)<br>[Star Trek: The Next Generation]
[edit]
Captain, I must protest. I am NOT a merry man!
Adrian Monk<br>(Tony Shalhoub)<br>[Monk]
[edit]
That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, in fact.
Buddha
[edit]
As irrigators lead water where they want, as archers make their arrows straight, as carpenters carve wood, the wise shape their minds.
Mark Twain
[edit]
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
George Bernard Shaw
[edit]
The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.
Spanish Proverb
[edit]
The foolish sayings of a rich man pass for wise ones.
Jack Handey
[edit]
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
[edit]
Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.
Frank Garbutt
[edit]
The man who questions opinions is wise. The man who quarrels with facts is a fool.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
[edit]
As it is the characteristic of great wits to say much in few words, so small wits seem to have the gift of speaking much and saying nothing.
Cato The Elder
[edit]
Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
Hermann Hesse
[edit]
Knowledge can be communicated, but wisdom cannot. A man can find it, he can live it, he can be filled and sustained by it, but he cannot utter or teach it.
Greg Evans
[edit]
Words may very well exceed their weight in gold.
David Starr Jordan
[edit]
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.
Greg Evans
[edit]
Words may very well exceed their weight in gold.
Irish Proverbs
[edit]
Everyone is wise until he speaks.
Bill Cosby
[edit]
Sigmund Freud once said, What do women want? The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.
Sarah Silverman
[edit]
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
Dave Berry
[edit]
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Kigichi Ishiritari
[edit]
If life gives you lemons - make grapejuice. Then sit back and let people wonder how you did it.
Groucho Marx
[edit]
I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.
Mark Twain
[edit]
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
Katherine Heigl
[edit]
It's more fun to think that there are other worlds.
Amy Poehler
[edit]
I've said this before, that, when you're in school and you're the class clown, men are really good at making fun at other people and women are really good at making fun of themselves.
Anonymous
[edit]
You may only be someone in the world, but to someone else, you may be the world.
Walt Emerson
[edit]
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Anonymous
[edit]
Practice makes perfect ... But nobody's perfect ... so why practice?
Charlie Brown (by Charles M. Schulz)
[edit]
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.
Anonymous
[edit]
You may only be someone in the world, but to someone else, you may be the world.
Groucho Marx
[edit]
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men—the other 999 follow women.
Charles Dickens
[edit]
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
Erma Bombeck
[edit]
There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Carl Sagan
[edit]
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Sir Winston Churchill
[edit]
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
[edit]
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
Herm Albright
[edit]
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Anonymous
[edit]
What you see depends on what you're looking for.
John Maxwell
[edit]
Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
Richard L. Evans
[edit]
Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.
William O.Douglas
[edit]
The great and invigorating influences in American life have been the unorthodox: the people who challenge an existing institution or way of life, or say and do things that make people think.
Willem Dafoe
[edit]
I wish to Christ I could make up a really great lie. Sometimes, after an interview, I say to myself, 'Man, you were so honest - can't you have some fun? Can't you do some really down and dirty lying?' But the puritan in me thinks that if I tell a lie, I'll be punished.
Robert G. Ingersoll
[edit]
There is something wrong in a government where they who do the most have the least. There is something wrong when honesty wears a rag, and rascality a robe; when the loving, the tender, eat a crust while the infamous sit at banquets.
Anton Chekhov
[edit]
Lying is the same as alcoholism. Liars prevaricate even on their deathbeds.
Elbert Hubbard
[edit]
Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it anyway.
Bertrand Russell
[edit]
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones.
James Stewart
[edit]
I was going to be an architect. I graduated with a degree in architecture and I had a scholarship to go back to Princeton and get my Masters in architecture. I'd done theatricals in college, but I'd done them because it was fun.
William Feather
[edit]
Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.
James Hetfield
[edit]
It's all fun and games 'till someone loses an eye, then it's just fun you can't see.
Kevin Bacon
[edit]
I'd really like to get the girl, shoot the gun, drive the car, have fun. I even have these kind of action dreams, where I'm the action guy.
Vincent Price
[edit]
It's as much fun to scare as to be scared.
Harrison Ford
[edit]
Bikes and planes aren't about going fast or having fun; they're toys, but serious ones.
Jim Harrison
[edit]
The old fun thing is when somebody typed up the first chapter of War and Peace. And then made a precis of the rest of it and sent it out and only one publisher recognized it.
Leo Burnett
[edit]
Creative ideas flourish best in a shop which preserves some spirit of fun. Nobody is in business for fun, but that does not mean there cannot be fun in business.
Fran Lebowitz
[edit]
Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Erica Jong
[edit]
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
Flip Wilson
[edit]
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
Frank Tyger
[edit]
Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.
Lou Holtz
[edit]
You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be.
SinVyeSt Tan
[edit]
Don't frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
Josh Shippe
[edit]
Don't take life too seriouly because you'll never get out alive
Ralph Waldo Emerson
[edit]
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Anonymous
[edit]
Yesterday is history. Tommorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift that's why they call it the present.
Gordon B. Hinckley
[edit]
Our kindness may be the most persuasive argument for that which we believe.
Richard L. Evans
[edit]
Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Gordon B. Hinckley
[edit]
Respect for self is the beginning of cultivating virtue in men and women.
Joseph Smith
[edit]
We cannot be saved until we have risen above all our enemies, not the least of which is ignorance.
Joseph Smith
[edit]
We cannot be saved until we have risen above all our enemies, not the least of which is ignorance.
Nelson Mandela
[edit]
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
Danielle Ingrum
[edit]
Give it all you've got because you never know if there's going to be a next time.
Richard L. Evans
[edit]
I don't think anything is unrealistic if you believe you can do it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
[edit]
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
George S. Patton
[edit]
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Voltaire
[edit]
The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
Gordon B. Hinckley
[edit]
Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain.
Anonymous
[edit]
Many people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.
General H. Norman Schwarzkopf
[edit]
The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.
Gordon B. Hinckley
[edit]
Whatever our calling, regardless of our fears or anxieties, let us pray and then go and do.
Anonymous
[edit]
It is not what you do that matters it is what you don't do that really matters at the end of the day.
Dr. Robert Anthony
[edit]
Forget about all the reasons why something may not work. You only need to find one good reason why it will.
Stephen R. Covey
[edit]
Begin with the end in mind.
Lawrence J. Peter
[edit]
Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Anonymous
[edit]
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails
Anonymous
[edit]
You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?
Yogi Berra
[edit]
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical
Jason Kidd
[edit]
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees - upon being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks
Jack Handey
[edit]
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
Don Quinn
[edit]
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Franklin P. Jones
[edit]
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
Jack Handey
[edit]
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Franklin P. Jones
[edit]
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones
[edit]
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Soylent Green is people! Delicious delicious people!
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
This is the latest day of my life!
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
This is the greatest life of my day!
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Cat: I find kitty litter, leev u sooprise.
Me: There's no kitty litter in my room.
Cat: It look liek book.
Me: Crap!
Cat: U find sooprise!
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Me:Oh, good morning cat.
Cat: u noze iz mous
Me: No it's ... Yeaaargh!
Cat: u mous taest funny
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
If you eat antepasto, then eat pasta, does that make your stomach empty again?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
If Canada really has universal health care, doesn't that mean that they should cover OUR health care too?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
If it's really the World Cup, doesn't that mean everyone should have a turn with it? How come America never gets a turn to win it? Boo Hoo!
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
They tell me most accidents occur within 5 miles of my home. If so, what is it about my home that makes everybody so clumsy?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
If 'post' means after, does that explain why the post office is always late?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Me: I'm a solipsist.
Adam: I know you are, but what am I?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
If there truly is a Lord of the Dance, does that mean that there is one evil dance to rule them all? I bet it's the Macarena.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
If this Jeep's a-rockin', I'm being mauled by a-dilophosaurus. Ockin'.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
The H-bomb isn't so bad. That tech can be used as a power source. Like to power Terminators. And that's a much cooler way to kill people.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Existing tautologies are.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
If someone 'Goes Postal' these days, does that mean they've become slow and outdated?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Man my eye is killing me. Stupid allergies. Who else out there is allergic to eyes?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Be sure to watch Alien today and wish their computer a happy MU-TH-UR's day!
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
I was fine 'til I turned 23 and learned I'm actually my evil twin. I'm making up for lost time and 9500 noogies are killing my knuckles.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Marriage Tip #1: Don't let the sun set on an argument. Take a plane to a new time zone. Then she can't ever say you never take her anywhere.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
King Midas' family must REALLY hate when he does the 'pull my finger gag'.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
What signal does the commissioner shine in the sky to call for the Flash?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
So there I was, dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight. Turns out it's nothing special. I just wish he'd let me lead.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Maybe the chicken needed to cross the road, and maybe it didn't. I'll tell you one thing, though. That chicken had a wizard of a PR Rep.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
!dnah tfel ym htiw teewt ot denrael tsuj I
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
I've been playing "Internet" for years now and I'm getting nowhere. Does anybody know how to activate "God Mode" on this thing?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Just bought a new dictionary. Please, nobody spoil the ending for me.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Sorry if my tweets don't make much sense. I've been diagnosed with a terminal case of non sequitur pudding is a funny word.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
I finally know how Neil Diamond felt. I've been shouting at my chair for hours now and it won't even do me the courtesy of acknowledging me.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Woo Hoo!! I finally figured out the purpose of life! And the answer's so simple! I would have written it here, but I ran out of space to wri
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Wearing women's shoes isn't the hard part. It's buying heels and nylons and getting those judging looks from the girl who checks you out.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Me: Okay, candy. I'm gonna eat you now, okay?
Candy: Okay, but I'm gonna make you fat and give you cavities, okay?
Me: Nooooooooooookay.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
This is not an April Fool's tweet. *snicker* *snicker snicker* *this is gonna be great*
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
I thought about turning atheist. But you don't do that on a whim, so I prayed about it. And something told me not to. Well, maybe tomorrow.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
My ears were burning earlier today. I guess that's what I get for not using proper ear protection.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
No unisex bathrooms! Keep it as it should be: Separate but icky.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Sorry I'm late. I got held after for cheating on my blood test. How was I supposed to know AAA+ wasn't a blood type?
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Sorry I'm late. We ran out of Total and I had to eat twelve bowls of shredded wheat.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
This morning I woke to a mysterious knocking at the door so I took it in to the shop. Turns out the door's timing belt was off.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Frankly, my darling, I don't give a meh.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
How do I meh? Let me count the ways. One. Two. ... Eh, close enough.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
To meh or not to meh. That is ... uh ... yadda yadda yadda.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Mere words can not describe the utter depths of my meh.
Ryan Peterson<br>(Twitter)
[edit]
Last night, I dreamed I was sleeping. Thankfully, just before I woke up, I hit the ground.
Cecil B. DeMille
[edit]
I am not one who would rail at the public if one of my pictures failed to 'get across.' The public knows art. I have never yet been connected with a failure, but, if I were, I would blame myself, not my audience.
Cecil B. DeMille
[edit]
Most of us serve our ideals by fits and starts. The person who makes a success of living is the one who sees his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly.
Alfred Hitchcock
[edit]
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Ron Swanson<br>(Nick Offerman)<br>[Parks and Recreation]
[edit]
Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
Ron Swanson<br>(Nick Offerman)<br>[Parks and Recreation]
[edit]
There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water, that's lying about being milk.
Marilyn Monroe
[edit]
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
Theodore Roosevelt
[edit]
In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.
Walt Whitman
[edit]
I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best.
Isaac Asimov
[edit]
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Oliver Herford
[edit]
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Margaret Mead
[edit]
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Elbert Hubbard
[edit]
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
W. H. Auden
[edit]
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
Ron White
[edit]
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
[edit]
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Mark Twain
[edit]
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Robin Williams
[edit]
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Lana Turner
[edit]
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Captain Kirk<br>(William Shatner)<br>[Star Trek]
[edit]
Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its 5-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Captain Picard<br>(Patrick Stewart)<br>[Star Trek: The Next Generation]
[edit]
Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before.
Ens. Harry Kim<br>(Garrett Wang)<br>[Star Trek: Voyager]
[edit]
When I think about everything we've been through together, maybe it's not the destination that matters, maybe it's the journey, and if that journey takes a little longer, so we can do something we all believe in, I can't think of any place I'd rather be or any people I'd rather be with.
Tom Paris<br>(Robert Duncan McNeill)<br>[Star Trek: Voyager]
[edit]
When a bomb starts talking about itself in the third person, I get nervous.
Captain Sisko<br>(Avery Brooks)<br>[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]
[edit]
So... I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover the crimes of other men. I am an accessory to murder. But the most damning thing of all... I think I can live with it. And if I had to do it all over again - I would. Garak was right about one thing: a guilty conscience is a small price to pay for the safety of the Alpha Quadrant. So I will learn to live with it... Because I can live with it... I can live with it... Computer - erase that entire personal log.
Subcommander T'Pol<br>(Jolene Blalock)<br>[Star Trek: Enterprise]
[edit]
I've run a check through the Starfleet database. You might be pleased to know that this is the first recorded incident of a human male becoming pregnant.
Seska<br>(Martha Hackett)<br>[Star Trek: Voyager]
[edit]
You're more talented in the art of deception than you led me to believe.
Vincent Van Gogh
[edit]
Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.
John F. Kennedy
[edit]
Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.
William Shakespeare
[edit]
We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
George S. Patton
[edit]
Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.
George S. Patton
[edit]
A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
[edit]
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
Ayn Rand
[edit]
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.
Maurice Switzer
[edit]
It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.
Bob Monkhouse
[edit]
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.