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Jerry Seinfeld
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Robert A. Heinlein
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Don't ever become a pessimist... a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events.
Pablo Picasso
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When I was a child, my mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you will become a general. If you become a monk, then you will end up as Pope." Instead, I became a painter, and wound up as Picasso.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
Jarger
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Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
John Lehman
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Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Jack Handy
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Jack Handy
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To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.
Jack Handy
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Jack Handy
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One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Jack Handy
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Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
Jack Handy
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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
George Bush
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I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress.
Henry Ford
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There isn't a person anywhere who isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can.
Francis Bacon
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This is the foundation of all. We are not to imagine or suppose, but to discover, what nature does or may be made to do.
Linus Torvalds
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Most good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program.
Terry Pratchett
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Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself.
Anonymous
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Geoff Arbuthnot
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Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
Dave Edison
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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Rudyard Kipling
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I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
Rita Mae Brown
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Dave Barry
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Sal Davino
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Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it.
Bob Newhart
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I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.
Robert Downey Jr.
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I loved it, it's such fun. I like that people are seeing it and then talking about it. Like when I took my son and his friends to see Napoleon Dynamite last year, we spent the next six weeks trying to explain it.
Paula Abdul
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Find fitness with fun dancing. It is fun and makes you forget about the dreaded exercise.
Bono
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As a rock star, I have two instincts, I want to have fun, and I want to change the world. I have a chance to do both.
Mike Myers
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Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.
Jeff Foxworthy
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The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Vince Lombardi
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The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.
Muhammad Ali
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The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
Wayne Gretzky
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You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.
Laurence J. Peter
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Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
Burt Bacharach
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A synonym is a word you use whe you can't spell the word you first thought of.
Jay Leno
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The New England Jornal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Karl Joseph
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Even beauty may present a prism wearying to the eye
Allen Ginsberg
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Whoever controls the media—the images—controls the culture.
Agatha Christie
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I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
Sigmund Freud
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The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.
Scottish proverb
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Insults should be well avenged or well endured.
Umberto Eco
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I've always said that I learned the English I know through two sources—Marvel Comics and Finnegans Wake
Dorothy Parker
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Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
Henry Kissinger
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Russian proverb
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It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oa